[Bella’s side of the audience contains all the snarky, interesting humans she never plans on seeing ever again; Edward’s is full of international sparklepires eyeing the mundanes and trying not to lick their chops. Also, we get a long, loving closeup of Stephenie Meyer in the audience.]

BELLA: Did you invite God to the wedding?

EDWARD: No… did you?

SOME MINISTER: We gather today to witness this union, finally.

EDWARD: I take you, Tasty Adoraklutz Beloved…

BELLA: Angel Cupcake Marble Adonis…

EDWARD: to stalk and to sleep-watch

BELLA: for bitch or for moan

EDWARD: for emo or for angst,

BELLA: in dazzle and chagrin,

EDWARD: to trip and fall over

TOGETHER: …so long as we both unlive.

SOME MINISTER: I now pronounce you teen bride and sparklepire! You may now make out for five minutes solid!

If only these were the actual vows, I would have more respect for the Twilight Franchise. Not much more, but some.

m15m: Breaking Dawn in 15 minutes by Cleolinda